Another beautiful sunday morning in the Philippines and it’s my time to write something I was thinking for a while now. Yes today I want to talk about our soulmates, and it’s Illusory truth effect on us. And my today’s self realization is people, like myself, who forever believed in soulmates may be setting ourselves up for a lifetime of heartache and failed relationships, again and again and again. And our beliefs about our intimate partnerships, will always be impacted, in a good or bad way, always. Hmmm, after all these years I came to realize that I have been so wrong! so let me discuss in detail for you to better understand.
What I understand today, is our relationships are heavily impacted by the crystallization of our beliefs, things that we have been knowing and believing since we were kids. such as fairy-tale love stories, romeo Julliet stuff, and as we grow up, an intimate bond will always depends on those beliefs of two partners. These beliefs lie behind our thoughts, perspectives, actions and attitudes toward relationship even if we don’t necessarily put them into words. We tend to hold those theories pretty consistently over time, in the background of our day to day basis interactions. for example I always belived in destiny set by higher power, and in the past I’ve been in a relation with women who believed in destiny aquired by hardwork. So these led to an unavoidable contradiction regardless how tactfully we both wanted avoid conflicts.
I read about the “soulmate theory” of relationships, where we (partners) constantly evaluate other half against the idealized image of the man or woman who will be the one true love of your life. and its so true. Once you’re in a relationship, even without realizing it, you perform constant comparisons between the person you’re actually with and that one-true-love model in your mind. It’s not just that this ideal person is the ideal person for anyone; he or she is the ideal person for you. So sad and unfortunate!
Clearly, people don’t always end up in a relationship with their idealized image of a partner. Those who do, however, tend to be ready to give their partner a “pass” when it comes to relationship violations like betrayal. Those who don’t feel that their partner is soulmate material will be far less tolerant and more likely to move on when a relationship goes south, hoping that the next person will better fit the soulmate shoes. It’s not only how deeply soulmate believers adhere to the theory, but also how closely they see their current partner fitting the criteria, that determines how they behave in the relationship.
And they say the opposite of the soulmate theory is the “work-it-out” theory held by people who believe that good relationships depend not so much on the partner’s characteristics as on how much effort they are willing to invest in hashing through the inevitable differences in a relationship. Such effort can help them overcome challenges, allowing them to grow together as a couple as they make their way through adversity. Which, I came to realize sounds logical enough.
But for me it’s complicated concepts and if you try to clearly understand, these two theories are not two different ends of the continuum: such is, I can believe in soulmates yet also hold onto the work-it-out theory of relationships. historically I’ve done this religiously for all those relations to work a little better way. Though sadly something was missing I guess since failure was so far an unavoidable and ultimate results. A couple who didn’t start out thinking they were each other’s soulmates may come to feel that they are, as time and challenges force them to adapt to each other. Similarly, people who feel that they’ve found their soulmate may still find that they need to expend time and effort on protecting and preserving their ties. And it made me ask myself: is there really a soulmate thing? then why I’m still being misunderstood by those who I put effort time and everything as per work it out theory.
Are you a die-hard soulmate theorist? or work it out theory sounds more logical to you? ask yourself. find the answer and I’m sure you will be closer to a higher truth before you give up hoping to find your soulmate.
Of course, it’s not only you, but your partner, whose relationship theory will contribute to the long-range success of any relationship. Although online dating sites Tinder Tagged MeetMe, the ones I have used so far won’t allow you to understand the true meaningful dating but Finding your soulmate may be a matter of luck with hope and extra mile efforts. What do you think? Let me know if my realizations help you realize too!
And if ever, to discuss today’s blog, or to ask further questions about this posting you can always contact me. Running late for my Sunday agenda so bye for now. Cheers!
Safin