It’s December 17th, 2020 and in just a few days we will say goodbye to a hectic year and welcome 2021 with new hopes. So most probably this would be my last post of the year. Looking back of everything that happened in 2020 I though of sharing my thought of my choices, my decisions and my take away from this year. and the biggest take away is a realization of “choosing someone Who chooses me”. One of my favorite parts of being an adult is that I get to choose the people in my life, could be a partner, a friend or a companion. As a child, my parents takes those decisions who would be our playmates or who are those we can hangout with. but as adults, we have a say in who we spend our time with. From strangers to soulmates, we can set limitations and decide what we entertain.
Now lets try to dig deeper and see How do we choose? What do we normally look for in a new friend, significant other or a partner? We might be closer to one sibling more than another because of factors like age or common interests. Among all of our friends, we probably have a “best friend” that we’re closest to.
The most important reasons we choose people is because they choose us? It could sound opportunistic or needy, but choosing to surround yourself with like-minded individuals who value us isn’t wrong. It is a characteristic of confidence to keep those around who lift us up rather than tear us down (or even just take up space).
This doesn’t mean that you can’t be in someone’s life to lift them up, being me I have had a lot of times I saw people who are with me JUST because they realized I needed them or they needed me! However, if you find that you are breaking yourself into pieces to make someone else whole, that’s not a relationship-it’s irresponsible charity. Being a friend to someone just because you feel sorry for them and see them as beneath you is not genuine. Furthermore, you should not have to set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. You don’t have to use people or selfishly require them to give you tangible things such as money, but the people in your life should naturally add something positive to it.
I made myself miserable a few times my life simply because I kept choosing people who wouldn’t pick me in return. A relationship of any kind is a two-way street. I love the quote “Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” Life is too short to just exist in mediocracy so we should do our best every day to search for what feeds the soul. Don’t be so concerned with belonging because there’s a big difference between just being allowed and really being welcomed.
If you’re struggling to fit in or feel comfortable in the circles you’re in, ask yourself why you chose that circle and if they reciprocate. Again, you cannot always control who enters your life, like a new neighbor moving in, but there are levels to everything. You might be stuck in a lease with a roommate who’s not what you expected, but you can set a variety of boundaries to improve your situation. Even in the same physical space, it is possible to create mental and emotional borders.
So here are a few suggestions for setting boundaries while gauging if you’re really being celebrated or only tolerated- read carefully and share if you think this would help someone you know:
Choose who you talk to: Does the person seem excited to hear from you? Do they make time to talk to you? Do they act appreciative of you reaching out or responding to them? Do they reach out half as much as you do? We all have busy lives, but you should never be made to feel as if you’re intruding on or annoying a friend just by trying initiate conversation. Don’t bother with those who only seem bothered by you. someone who would send you to their Ignore list in messeger (experience a few times).
Choose who you get advice from: A good friend will tell you the truth, but in a manner which is helpful rather than discouraging. Even when the truth hurts, the teller should have your best interest at heart. If it’s unclear whether a friend’s advice has them rooting for or against you at its foundation, consider seeking advice elsewhere.
Choose who you give information to: Whether it be telling your business to someone or referring them to a job, try to make sure their intentions are pure. Are they trustworthy or likely to misuse information or connections? It’s also healthy to consider if they are appreciative and as forthcoming with their own information. I have friends from different walks of life who I wanna be connected for the rest of my life because of the information I readily receive from them when I need it the most.
Choose who you spend your time with: If You’re an adult now and you own your time so take the lead and reclaim it if you have to! At the very least, hopefully, whoever you spend time with usually brightens your day instead of making it worse. It’s cool to feel exhausted after seeing someone from having so much fun or accomplishing something productive, but you shouldn’t feel drained from their negativity or overextending yourself. Again, ask yourself if they initiate hanging out with you or if they seem obligated.
There is a saying “Get in where you fit in and go on to shine!” You’ll know feelings of acceptance are mutual if it’s easy to find comfort in an environment without trying much. Choose those who help make you feel valued, worthy, accepted, welcomed, appreciated, loved and celebrated just for being who you are. Talk to and spend time with loved ones who consistently talk back and show up. You will be too much or not enough for some people and that’s okay-those aren’t your people. The world population is 7 billion and counting so find those who are looking for you, too. You’re worth finding. Thanks for reading. Especial thanks to people who made my 2020 amazing: Rhiz MD Allan and you all. Merry Christmas and Happy new year.
Safin